Or why do people say I love you and then proceed to stab you with an emotional dinner fork?
Sigh. I've been absent for the last little bit...(a collective sigh of gratitude is heard across blog-land...thankfulness for that absence:)) Well dear readers in the ether it didn't fucking work! It ended two weeks ago. Was I sad? Yes....but mostly I was relieved. No shit and I kid you not. I think relief was the over-riding emoti(con)on.
Funny thing when you end a relationship with someone, you realise that you were modifying your behaviour in ways you didn't realise. I am the first to admit I don't LIKE being single...I make a pretty skookum partner if I do say so myself (grin). I'm emotionally well adjusted, I have a good education and I am a stable sort of person. I dont' fly of the handle change personalities every day or grow extra heads in the bedroom (never mind).
It takes a while to get to know somebody and sometimes after a few months you begin to realise you don't really LIKE what you see. That while you like the person themselves, and can even love them what is churning around in their head can give you pause. And that's what happened to me. Rob is like a child in many ways, I was his first "proper" relationship...at thirty three. And that was without penetrative sex. You are all probably thinking "who IS this guy??? some ugly weirdo?" Nope...Rob is a handsome, well spoken...a well read accomplished individual. But he's a mess with intimacy. He's afraid of getting close to someone in ways I have never seen in another person. And you cannot SAVE people either. Took me all of my thirties, well so far into them anyway, to realise this salient point. Other people's problems are not necessarily mine to take on. Its good to be myself again, to wiggle around in my own skin and feel who I am snap back into place like elastic.
My good friend Rex called me tonight. Another relationship disaster...there seems to be a lot of them going around at the moment. And this is a nice person. It makes me think of how people treat each other when they get "comfortable" sometimes. One thing Rob said to me was that in the entire time he'd known me I had never said or done one unkind thing to him. That meant alot, because that's important to me. You have to treat people like precious things...breakable, fragile, human objects. And for me that means thinking about what you say BEFORE you say it, not having a spew and then apologising. And when I'm with you I'm REALLY with you, I don't not show up, make excuses, put everything and everyone else first. I still have my own life as well but I think a good relationship requires energy and emotional committment, it involves more than just rocking up with a hard-on (or in my case the female equivalent).
As I said to my friend today when you're with someone you have to evalute. Do I like myself when I"m with this person? Do I like them when they're with me? Often we think that love is SUPPOSED to hurt, that if it doesn't hurt it means we don't really care. Well I have also come to think that is the biggest load of bollocks ever said. I may have admitted to not liking being single, but I also dont' like being with someone who causes me angst, or makes me feel like less than who and what I am. I will WAIT until I find someone I think is worth my time and emotional effort. And no, that isn't conceit, I am not looking for Mr.Perfect, just Mr.Regular, stable, emotionally sound every day type of guy:) Its realising you're worth more than a bang and certainly more than being on the shovelling end of someone else's dysfunctional muck.
People say "I Love You" all the damn time and never stop to think about what that means. Or "I love you...but" There is a responsibility that comes with being someone's partner. I think people like the idea of a girlfriend or boyfriend/partner but don't like the reality. I used to feel that a fair bit with Rob, that he loved being out with me, introducing me to his workmates but when just by ourselves he wanted to duck the whole relationship/accountability schemata. And no I am not expecting the ring (bit past that) or someone to move in and take over my life...quite the contrary. But I do want a steady, committed, affectionate, funny, loving relationship with someone who thinks the sun shines out my ass and that life would be significantly less interesting if I wasn't in it
So I gave it my best shot...and it didn't work. Back to the drawing board...with a few more insights:)
Cheers
cinnamonstone