Or in the words of a friend...taking on someone else's "stuff"
I was having a discussion with my best friend about compatibility...she's mid forties never been married, lots of relationships just never got married...one grown child. She was saying that what she realises as she gets older is that when you get involved particularly past about 35 you take on not just the person but all their background issues, past relationships and quirks and quarks that you have to be prepared to deal with or overlook. And that its hard...and that she worries she will never find anyone compatible with herself.
Hmmm made me think. Had a very long (4 hour) discussion with the guy I'm seeing over the weekend. Got a bit emotional actually on both our parts. When you've been seeing someone for a few months you begin to get small glimpses into what makes them tick and it can be perplexing at best sometimes. This person I'm seeing has led a very sheltered life, its not very often you meet someone who is 33 and a "technical" virgin (see previous posts) and has never had an LTR either. Of course the abscence of a relationship longer than 6 weeks for this person has been an uncalculated strategy to stay as I put it too him "safe". He worries he says about hurting me, but underneath I surmise is a very real terror of being hurt himself. Given his personality and looks, calm, well spoken, well dressed, well mannered and caring it has been a campaign of avoidance to get this far unencumbered.
But as I put to the person I'm seeing if you choose to live your life safely, to opt for contentment instead of happiness, take very few risks and remain solitary you open up a Pandora's box of unhappiness as well. It doesn't guarantee peace of mind. Because then there are the twin demons of loneliness and isolation to deal with. As people very few of us are "hardwired" to exist alone. I am NOT in a hurry to live with someone again my days of picking up someones jocks off the bedroom floor who is over 18 are well and truly over. But I like companionship and snuggles, I am a huge proponent of cuddling but I also like my time in my flat on my own. I realise of course I am in a priviliged position, massive amounts of education = a good job (even if I can't spell thank you microsoft spell check 
) which gives me a lot more freedom than most women my age with four children. And my children spend half the year in Canada with their father and half the year with me in Australia. Yes I miss them, but it also provides me with space in my life FOR my life. And their dad is very good which is a huge bonus and my kids are happy. But neither do I want to be alone.
I think we tend to angst too much over relationships, we ask ourself "where is it going? what's going to happen? what if it doesn't work?" rather than perhaps viewing the giving of our love and affection and emotional time as a gift instead of an investment. Its never wasted even if it doesn't end up in forever, NOTHING is forever there are no guarantees in this life. But love freely given with no expectations and no scorecard kept is an enriching freeing thing. Do I hope this works out? Yes I'm fond of this man...but if he can't reconcile it in his own head, if he truly believes he is destined to be alone (very sad at 33) then I'll be his friend and consider my time with him well spent and well earnt.